Man and woman looking away from each other.

What do you do when someone you care about is involved in a conflict?

For most of my life, I thought the right thing to do was to identify some middle ground and stand there. I felt like it was my job to understand all parties, and then explain them to one another. At times I even thought this might be my “superpower”. People I respected told me they admired my ability to “translate”. This applied to friendships, and board meetings.

This strategy felt so “right”. I felt like I had empathy, for everyone. I felt like I had a deep respect for the subjectivity of everyone’s experience. My idealistic view was that if we could just understand each other’s perspectives, conflict would end in hugs and tearful reconciliation.

I no longer believe in this strategy. In fact, I’m now skeptical of “neutrality”. My instinct to “stay neutral” was wrong.

When someone is in pain, they need to know I’m on their side. Staying “neutral” helps no one. The only purpose it serves is to help me feel like I’m outside a conflict. To feel like everyone is my friend. To keep everything, and risk nothing. I’ve found it to be a kind of rationalized selfishness.

I came across an article, “Neutrality is Invalidation”. Something came in to focus for me.

We may make the mistake of thinking we need to stay “neutral,” but in doing so, we betray those who need and deserve to be seen, heard, and supported. 

I found that insightful in the interpersonal realm. But the article was written in 2020, and in that context, also explores the issue of “neutrality” at the societal level.

Answering Black Lives Matter with “All Lives Matter” is another example of a defense. It may seem inclusive, and no one could argue with its basic truth, but it’s the sort of argument we make when we haven’t carefully considered the problem. We’ve failed to take another person’s perspective. It’s clearly invalidating. “All lives” are obviously not at risk for police violence.

Similarly, on a cultural level, if we, as White people, aren’t compassionately connected to our own varied stories of invalidation, we can’t imagine the more extreme experiences of the oppressed, and we won’t be able to connect with those who are raging against our society’s abuses. 

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(Photo by Andrik Langfield on Unsplash)